Courtesy Chicago Tribune, October 28, 2009.
After 101 years of waiting, the Cubs finally have their World Series trophy!
After finishing in a tie with all other 29 teams for first place at 0-0-162, the Cubs can finally celebrate a World’s Championship!
“I just can’t tell you how good it feels to finally have a championship and to bring here to the North Side of Chicago,” said manager Lou Pinella. “We really didn’t play all that well, or even that hard, but we didn’t need to because the President told us he would give us all a chance to win!”
What Lou was referring to is the Fairness in Athletics Doctrine, or FAD. Earlier this year, President Obama pushed through legislation that forbade any official scorer from declaring any winners or losers in any athletic event. All 30 teams finished with the same record, and in the future, the trophy will be passed from team to team. Chicago gets it in 2009. Detroit and Cincinnati are vying for the trophy next year, with the congressional hearings scheduled to start early February. But the good money is on Cincinnati, because the Lions are scheduled to lift the Lombardi trophy around that time.
“It is finally time, uh, that all fans of every team, uh, not just those of the teams most talented, or hardest working, should get to have their day to raise the trophy,” said President Obama. “We pushed this through because the failed policies of the Bush administration are hurting the middle class because when they go to the bar sporting their colors, they get ridiculed and leave the bar, and this hurts the economy.”
It was scenes like these that prompted the president to approach senate majority leader Harry Reid to begin talks about eliminating the bad feelings that come from a person’s team suffering defeat. “We saw the joy in people’s eyes when the Patriots were beaten two years ago in the Super Bowl, and we wanted that all the time,” said Reid. “It’s not enough to strive to be excellent. Those of us in Washington need to make it reality for everyone!”
Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh calls this a travesty, citing his Pittsburgh Steelers (9-0 currently, 0-0-9 officially) chances at winning this year. “The disparity between the haves and the have nots has been widening ever since Bush stole the election in 2000,” said Reid, “and Washington was broken. We needed to step in and make sure everybody gets a fair shake. The Lions have won exactly one playoff game in 52 years, and those fans deserve to see their team win it.”
As an offshoot of the doctrine, Michigan resident and Detroit Red Wing fan Dan Blakeslee’s lawsuit against the Red Wings has gone all the way to the Supreme Court. “It isn’t fair that GM Ken Holland should keep me off of the Red Wings. Just because I’m slow, can’t shoot, and have no endurance to even skate up and down the ice one time shouldn’t mean that I get left off the team.” Blakeslee won his lawsuit, but the judgment was stayed while the Red Wings appeal. Originally, the judgment forced all NHL players to wear weights around their legs and arms, thus making an even playing field, or ice in this case, for everyone who wants to play. The Sixth Circuit upheld the ruling, citing FAD specifically. When asked how Blakeslee is preparing for the games to come, he said, “why prepare? If I get slower, they have to, too. So I am playing video games in the meantime.” The NHL is preparing a “hockey skills czar,” to oversee the lowest skilled player to play, and bring down the rest of the league to their level. MLB, the NFL, and the NBA are preparing for the onslaught as well, creating positions for similar duties.
The Toronto Maple Leafs are scheduled to skate with the Stanley Cup next June, despite not being an American team and thus, exempt from FAD. The Utah Jazz are slated to take the NBA’s top prize, as well.